I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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