I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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