Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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