Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
