I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
