Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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