I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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