Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
