Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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