I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you didnt know i had herpes?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize