Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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