At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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