I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
