I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
