nut hugger
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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