The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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