I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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