she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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