you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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