2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
