How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Randomize
