If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
