JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
