if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
