Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
