this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
