Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
