omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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