Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
