Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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