Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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