Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
