I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
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Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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