I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
