I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
