the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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