I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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