I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
