so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I supernannyed him into submission
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
