I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
