I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I need to stop coming to work sober
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
