thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
