Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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