DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
