i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
