living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
