Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
