im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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