I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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