took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
