if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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