My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
