I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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