so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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