I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
