I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
