lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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