The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
