Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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