I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize