dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
