It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
