I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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