you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
