Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I wanna passion pit in your ass
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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