it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize